Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." "Yep. Luckily the Fok-" So he told one of his officers to "Open the windows and let the Air Force come in.". * THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day. "D**k, ten-HUT!" March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes. I want to do it every day!" The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. The old man laughs and says, "No no! Sure did. "D**k, ten-HUT!" A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm. So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Pierre without thinking ope, "Oh yeah?" The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." He walks over to the counter after reading up on some potential aviation jobs and asks "Do you know where the Royal Air Force flyers are?". Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. Grenade is not our friend." He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week. Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that" ", On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. 1674 votes and 103243 views on Imgur: The magic of the Internet, A great gallery of Men and Women in the Armed Forces just making the best of a deployment to Iraq and around the world . The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat. Farmer: "Well he kept saying he was still alive, but you know how he lies...". "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" *At this point, several of the children giggle* They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts.". He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say." --Infantry Journal A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. We should be friends." The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. "Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is.". the sheriff asked. "Nope. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" The three men pay, have their drinks and leave. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --Infantry Journal It used to take five scotches and a sleeping pill to get me on a plane. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour." ", The pilot had just had a heart attack, they were running low on fuel. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. Military Jokes - Air Force Jokes. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts." For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One...". "Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts! That was the best sex I've ever had! If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. ", There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself,  "I can't believe I survived this wreck! "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." Some... Not so early. They each have a personal aide* with them. The Air force officer calls out, "Hey! If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you tell the Army "Secure that building!" Marine assaults... OutOfRegs - Your source for military humor! One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. ", "In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. He was 69 inches. The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist. --USAF Ammo Troop. A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot. Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day." This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?" The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. If you see no planes at all, that's the Luftwaffe. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position." Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. --Unknown Marine Recruit The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down.